


The quiet things that no one ever knows

by stumphed



Category: Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-20
Updated: 2011-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-27 18:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/298515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stumphed/pseuds/stumphed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rick does his best to deal with the current situation by seeking solace in Shane.</p><p>SPOILER ALERT: The story picks up where S2 E7 "Pretty Much Dead Already" left off, so don't read if you haven't watched the episode yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The quiet things that no one ever knows

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jennifer (pandorablu)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorablu/gifts).



> I really hope that you like this. I adore the characters on this show and can only hope I did them any sort of justice. You asked for angsty Rick and you got him, that's for sure.
> 
> Thanks a ton to my lovely beta ♥

"What about Lori?" Shane asked, pulling Rick's head back sharply, fingers in his hair.

Rick squeezed his eyes shut. "Stop talking," he pleaded. This had nothing to do with her, nothing to do with Carl.

He knew it was wrong and that they didn't deserve it, but after what he had done to Sophia, to what was _left_ of Sophia, he didn't care. He wanted to lose control. He was done making decisions.

He envied Shane. Shane had been released from his responsibilities the second Rick showed up and returned to the job of caring for his family.

"Why now?" came Shane's voice again, his lips moving along Rick's exposed neck.

 _Shut up,_ he thought. Talking just fed the memory and he didn't want to remember. He wanted to forget. Forget how heavy the gun felt in his hand when he pulled the trigger. It was a weight he knew too well. A weight he knew he would always carry.

 _Why now?_ He had thought things were black and white but things had never seemed more grey than they did the moment he saw that little girl stagger out of the barn. It was them against the walkers and he'd killed more walkers than he could count, but she had been a part of their family. A part of their future.

And he had put her down.

Rick gasped when he felt Shane's hand slide between his legs, palm pressing against him through denim. His own hands went to Shane's bare hips and pulled him in closer. It never took much to get Shane going, the trick was always getting him to shut up.

"You had to do it," Shane said. Then, before Rick could stop him, he added, "Sophia was already dead."

Hearing her name sparked something in Rick and he pushed himself away from the wall, propelling Shane backwards with a shove.

"Shut the _fuck_ up, Shane," he seethed.

Shane looked amused. He backed away a few more steps until he was near the other side of the shed, then he bent a knee and leaned back against the wall with such nonchalance that Rick almost snapped. "I would have done the same thing."

"Do you think that's something that will make me feel better?" Rick asked pointedly. "You're worse than the rest of them. They look to me for answers, like I somehow demanded to be the one in charge of making decisions, but you... You pretend to be one of us, but I don't think you're fighting for the same things we are, Shane."

Shane didn't react at all. It made Rick want to hurt him more.

Rick stalked across the room until he was inches from Shane, looking up into eyes dark enough to hide the most terrible of secrets. "You want to know why I'm here, Shane? Why now?"

Shane simply nodded, arms crossed over his chest. The amusement on his face from moments before was replaced with complacency, and it was the absence of emotion that drove Rick now. He wanted Shane to be angry, he wanted to fight with him and have it out.

"You're incapable of loving anyone," Rick said, each word meant to wound. "I know that me being here means nothing to you. And right now that's what I want. It's easy. We can fuck and then tomorrow things will go back to the way they've been."

Shane uncrossed his arms and reached out with one hand as if to cup Rick's face. Rick swatted his hand away.

He had a second to register the anger on Shane's face before he felt the blow land against his cheek. The floor rushed up at him and suddenly he was on his hands and knees with Shane towering over him.

Rick struggled to stand, the pain from the punch bursting through his face, but it was no use.

"You think I don't love you?" Shane growled. Rick groaned as a heavy boot connected with his ribs, pushing him onto his back. Shane dropped down across his thighs, pinning him. "You and Carl and Lori are all the family I have in this world." Shane's bare chest trembled with every breath, as if he were struggling to hold himself back.

"You don't even love yourself," Rick snarled, trying to push Shane off of him. Shane grabbed both of his wrists and pinned them to his chest. "If there's a suicide mission, you're the first to sign up."

Shane's grip tightened on his wrists. "You'd rather let Glenn or Andrea go? How 'bout Carl? I'll stay here, prove to you that I love myself, and we'll let your little boy go get the medical supplies and fuel."

Before the walkers, Rick was always able to give Shane things to look forward to: Wednesday night dinners at the house, fitness training between shifts at work, copies of Carl's school portraits for Shane to keep in his wallet. Now, without these things, some kind of darkness had begun to creep in on Shane. Rick had tried so hard to ignore it, hoping it would go away when they got somewhere safe. But somehow, even here in this place where they had finally been able to get back to a routine that resembled normalcy, it had taken hold of him.

"Of course not," Rick whispered, the fight leaving him. Shane loosened his grip and let Rick sit up beneath him. "I'm just worried about you."

Shane smirked. "I can take care of myself."

"I'm trying so hard to keep everyone safe," Rick whispered, bowing his head against Shane's chest. His hands were still clenched in fists but his arms hung limply in his lap. "I know you're fighting to keep us alive, but you have to fight for more than that. You have to believe there's something better for us on the other side of this. And I don't think you do."

He felt Shane press a kiss to the top of his head and he closed his eyes. He needed to rest for a few minutes. Shane didn't say a word.


End file.
